The Heart Of It
by Nemati
Summary: After a summer in hell and a year in another world, a darker and depressed Harry will do anything to get out of Gryffindor. He won’t play their golden boy anymore, but now everyone has turned against him, even his luck. R for slash, abuse and cutting.


_Disclaimer:_ I don't own Harry Potter, only the plot is mine. 

_Summary:_ After a summer in hell and a year in another world, a darker and depressed Harry will do _anything_ to get out of Gryffindor. He won't play their golden boy anymore, but now everyone has turned against him, even his luck. Incl. toddler Harry, slash, abuse and cutting!

_Warnings: _This will be a dark fic with a dark Harry, although he won't be evil. It will contain **_slash, abuse, cutting, suicide and adult situations_**, consider yourself warned. I don't want any complaints about it, people who do send flames for those reasons shouldn't have read the story and will be considered very dumb.

_A/N:_ This is the first part of my 'Order of the Raven' series, which will probably have around 5 parts and will go on after Hogwarts, but all this is subject to change. Especially since all parts will be pretty long.

Ps. The words beneath the title are part of a poem I wrote, if you want the whole of it, go to my bio page, there you'll find the link to my fictionpress account.

THE ORDER OF THE RAVEN

Part 1

The Heart Of It 

_I play sane_

_Pretend that I feel_

_I play me_

_But he's not real_

Chapter 1: From Hell Into The Fire

"Professor, I would like to be resorted." With this one sentence he had done what he had never seen anyone do before. He had shocked Dumbledore enough to make him fall silent and gape at him with open mouth. He found it surprisingly disconcerting.

But he had made up his mind.

He didn't belong there anymore and he knew it, he felt it in every bone in his body.

Some people thought it didn't matter what house you were in, that they were all normal children with just slight differences, but he found out first hand how wrong that thought really was. A house was a family, his only family. People were sorted on character and being in a certain house would only strengthen that part of yourself, that meant that the entire atmospheres and feelings of the houses were really very different from each other.  

He still cared for the Gryffindors deeply, but he had changed so much and now that he knew how it could be different, he knew he no longer belonged there.

With every passing day he spent in the lion den that feeling became stronger.

And now he had made up his mind and gathered up his courage, he was going to be resorted.

Of course he already knew where he'd end up, after all, it had happened before. He knew it would be different this time around, people wouldn't accept him, but anything would be better than how he was feeling now, even sharing a dorm with Malfoy.

A few seconds later that headmaster finally responded and asked the expected question. "What brought this on Harry? Why would you want to be resorted?" 

The old wizard actually looked worried and Harry considered his answer. He already knew he wouldn't tell the real reasons, those were none of Dumbledore's business. The familiar feelings of anger were bubbling up again, anger at the headmaster, but mostly anger at himself. He quickly squashed it down.

"I don't belong in Gryffindor anymore and I remember you telling me in my second year that I was sorted there because of my choice. I changed my mind and I want to be resorted."

"Then tell me why you feel you don't belong with Gryffindor anymore. Is this because of the accident two months ago?"

"No, it doesn't have anything to do with that." He lied. "I just can't be myself anymore." He left out the part of feeling like he was choking every time that happened, every time he was forced to play someone else because it was expected of him and that meant every time he was even near a Gryffindor.

"A resorting is only allowed in very dire circumstances, surely you understand this. I can't let you change houses just because you have issues with your housemates. I hope you sort out your differences in a more mature way in the future. Remember Harry, running away is never the answer, now if that is all?" Dumbledore delivered his lecture in harsh tone that Harry had never heard him use before and certainly hadn't expected now.

Harry had feared this answer, but he was surprised to be told off like that. As he left the office and went down the rotating stairs, he could feel coldness grabbing his heart and all he could think was that the headmaster had to be really desperate to keep him in Gryffindor if he reacted like that. ´Probably afraid I'll turn out like Riddle`. 

After a short walk through the icy school, he made his way past the painting of the Fat Lady ("Chopsticks" "Right you are, dearie") and went straight up to the dorm. None of his roommates were anywhere in sight and he thanked his lucky stars he had the room to himself, even if it was only for a little while.

His relief didn't last long as he realised that they were probably in the library talking about him again. About how he had become so distant and so cold, and how they worried about his eating and sleeping habits. He had overheard some of these discussions and they had made him feel awful, literally sick to his stomach, like the last pieces of control over his own life had been ripped away through his throat. They treated him like some object that needed to be kept and he couldn't take it anymore.

Why had he never realised before?

All he had wanted when he got to Hogwarts was to fit in, to belong, and he had done everything in his power to assure that, even getting himself into Gryffindor. He hadn't realised that by doing so he had forsaken himself, given up who he was, and the older he was, the worse it got.

The more he suffered.

He hadn't started realising all this until after his fifth year. He had closed himself off completely when he had been at the Dursleys, simply because he hadn't been able to deal with all his guilt, grief and on top of that the constant verbal, and even physical, abuse.

When the time came to go back to number 12 Grimmauld place he had resorted to drastic measures to keep his overwhelming emotions and pain at bay. No one had been able to help him, or even reach him for that matter. He hadn't told them anything, hadn't let them reach him, because it was so much safer in his little shell of pain.

His cutting, his self-mutilation as he had found it was called, had grown steadily worse over the months. He was addicted and he knew it, but to stop was to let all the emotional pain consume him and why should he stop when it had made him feel so wonderful, so free?

No one had found out about it, not even Ron who had slept in the same room, and when he had gotten to school it had gotten even worse and he had resorted to glamour charms to hide the scars and wounds.

Strangely enough it had taken an accident in his Potions class to make him see how much he had been walking on the edge. This had been the accident that Dumbledore had asked about earlier and he had lied when he had said his wanting to be resorted had nothing to do with it. They had everything to do with each other. 

It had opened his eyes in so many ways, but now he was back where he started from and nothing had changed or if it had, it had gotten worse if only because he now knew how it could be.

He would be locked in Gryffindor for the next two years. Two more years of playing the golden boy after finally discovering who he really was, two more years of pushing himself away and keeping up the charade. It was going to be hell.

He had known hell, he had lived hell and he wouldn't again, not this time.

He thought back to all the painful, wonderful and loved memories he had of his time away.

He wouldn't let himself fall that far again like he had that summer.

Not when there was no one to help him up this time.

This time he would end it before that happened.

And as he grabbed his familiar knife a beautiful face with bright grey eyes and blond hair flashed in front of his eyes.

_I'm sorry._

End chapter 1.

Another story started, but this one will be the longest with sequels and all, unlike my other stories, probably. In the next chapter we'll go back to when Harry's sixth year has just started and a lot will become clear about the accident and what exactly happened then. Unfortunately this means you will have to wait a while before you know what happens to Harry now, but I promise it'll be good, oh yes.

So please tell what you think and if you like it I'll work on this story too, although it won't have priority over the others.


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